In leu of Valentines Day I had been going to write about long distance love and musings on the good and bad of relationships. I had been going to ponder on what makes happy moments in relationships and all the emotions that frazzle your brain and anchor you to someone else. But instead a nasty twist of fate has me focused on much less kind and warm notions.
I spend my life researching different diseases, usually nasty ones with little hope, and trying to find therapies or cures for those patients fighting on the front lines. Im not alone in this; doctors, nurses and researcher alike are all battling the myriad of diseases we face nowadays. For certain diagnoses this is a hopeful prospect while others are more uncertain. And for the most part I try not to think about it all too much. It doesn’t do to think much on your own mortality or that of your loved ones. Doesn’t help to realize how short and finite it all is. Doesn’t bear thinking about how many moments were wasted or neglected that can’t be recaptured or lived again. Things said in anger that don’t get taken back, loved ones not loved, opportunities for kindness not taken. Ive often thought about what will one day do me in and how it will all occur. Will it be one of my own researched diseases? Will it be due to years of tiny carelessness’s in a lab full of things ready to kill you? Will I feel like I have lived enough? Is there even such a thing as living enough?
We are all walking on thin ice, testing the cracks and waiting for a weak spot that will stop us in our tracks. Disease is a dreadful, hateful thing that comes out of nowhere and hits you like a bus. Sweeps you off your feet and turns everything wrong. I have never lost anyone truly close to me. I have always considered myself exceedingly lucky in this regard and if there is one thing I think of even less than my own mortality, its that of all my loved ones. The thought takes my breath away and stops my heart. And when you are finally faced with that particular demon it just feels helpless and incredibly sorrowful.